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Winner's Dinners

In search of a decent plate of fish and chips, chef's salad with all the trimmings, apple crumble with real custard, toffee ice cream with hundreds and thousands, a robust Cabernet with a sumptious body, lovely legs and a delicate scent, cup of coffee without cream or sugar, I scoured the restaurants of  Holland Park, where my mansion is located, Hamstead Heath, Muswell Hill, Uppity Bottom by-the-sea,

before stumbling on Chez Renard, a quaint bistro Del's Diner, a cheap and cheerful cafe Casa di Tutti Frutti, a modern Italian restaurant Gewurstenhaus, a little-known German beer tavern Max Pimplebum's, a Welsh pub a pub full of beer swilling plebs. which according to the newspaper cutting on the window

  "offered decent food at decent prices". "offered the finest scallop scallopini this side of the Sierra Madre", whatever that meant. "has a clean kitchen, free of rodents". "is owned by the jolly Mr Fernando Testiculo". "served scrumptiously good jus de cochons". .

The man at the entrance was very rude, asking me if I had a reservation and showing me to a seat I didn't want. immaculately dressed, as was I. very polite, but I don't tip. rather rude- I didn't like the tone of his voice when he asked to take my coat. very ugly and badly dressed.

Good choice of restaurant, I thought, as I sat down to enjoy my Soupcon de la Soupe du jour with freshly baked ciabatta. much-lauded Chicken de la Putta with braised artichokes. very expensive Duck a l'Orange with rosemary potatoes. eagerly anticipated Veal Tetrazzini, served with truffle oil glazed scallions.

It looked   scrumptious. delicious. very appetizing. mouth-watering. enticing. rather good. tempting. monstrous frankly horrible. and tasted delicious. scrumptious. mouth-watering. rather good. putrid. frankly horrible. like a wet dog. like soggy pyjama bottoms. like my first wife.

What is more, the wine was delicate, with a fine bouquet. robust, with a strong but appealing aroma. dry, but with just the right hint of summery fruitiness and of fresh flowers. corked, and also awful. terrible and reeked of wee. the wrong vintage, and also had a whiff of sewage. rather unpleasant and smelled like my first wife.

All in all, classy and rather good. highly recommended. not a place I'll be going to again anytime soon. -avoid like the plague. frankly horrible. fancy sounding but actually rather rubbish- a bit like me.

Michael Winner

Mr Winner, our regular food columnist is the acclaimed director of Death Wish 3, Dirty Weekend and Bullseye!, which is affectionately also known as Bull****! He lives in a big mansion in Holland Park.