crazyforms

The wackiest new craze

So you decided to buy a dog?

You've decided to buy a doberman, because having your kids eaten by a dog is your idea of kicks. poodle because you're not comfortable having a more expensive perm than anyone in your block. a schnauzer, because you find the name funny. a pitbull, because your dream is to become a small time thug. a basenji, because your idea of a cool dog is one that doesn't bark, doesn't stink the place up and doesn't shed...or a goldfish. a cat.

You'd rather have a female, because the idea of a dog humping your leg is just too gross. a male, because male dogs don't get moody and don't bleed around the house. a girlfriend, but at least a dog doesn't leave its bra hanging all over the house and ask you 'D'you think this makes me look fat?' all the time.

The best dog food is game or liver flavoured Pedigree Chum or Pal. Winalot biscuits and marrow bones. large chunks of bloody steak and dollops of hot sauce. the neighbour's cat. the neighbour's noisy kids.

You believe the best exercise for a dog is a long walk in the park. a run in fields of heather. putting the dog on the treadmill and switching it on 'jog'. humping unwanted visitors legs.

You decide to call your dog   Lassie, because it's a collie and you have no originality. Lili or Didee, because it's a poodle and you have no taste. Thor, because it's a cool name for a big dog. anything you want- he never listens anyway. Stinky, Dog-breath, Stupid Mutt, Dirty Mongrel, depending on your mood.

You tell your friends "If I ever buy another dog... it'll be a little, manageable dog like a beagle." I'll buy a bad-ass great Dane or a rottweiller." I'll buy one that won't eat my new wife." then they should lock me up in a nuthouse."