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A brief travel guide to holidaying in Cyprus

Welcome to lovely Cyprus, the island of love the island of garage music and cheap beer land of the donkey the center of the known universe a truly incredible destination for pilled up Essex girls where we trust you'll have a wonderful time at the beach, at the disco and at the pubs. getting blotto in the disco on 80s night. guessing which of the people in the club already have a VD. guessing which of the people in the club will catch a VD. looking for the cheapest supplier of E and roofies. trying to escape the local police. getting beaten up by local thugs.

The place to go is of course, Paphos, the birthplace of Venus. Ayia Napa, the birthplace of garage music. Limassol, the birthplace of the "work in progress" sign. Nicosia, the birthplace of snobbery. Larnaca, the birthplace of ugly women.

We suggest you also take a tour to the village of Platres, a lovely mountain village. Lefkara, where they make traditional lace. Agros, where they make traditional homemade sweets. Kolossi, where they make traditional homemade bombs.

We also suggest you try traditional food or drink like Kolokassi, a tasty tuber cooked with meat. Commandaria, a wine that tastes like cough syrup. Souvla, burnt embers of meat. Zivania, a traditional aquavit. Drink two quarts. Die.

We hope you enjoy your holiday in Cyprus. Don't forget to visit Aphrodite's rock outside Paphos. visit one of the twelve thousand "English" pubs. sample the sights, scents and sounds of the Polemidia landfill and the Kofinou abbatoir. buy a counterfeit T shirt with the Calvin Klein logo and the words Cyprus- Kypros on it.