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Newsflash: Bush speaks

U.S. President George Bush on Monday announced  the creation of a national intelligence director he will introduce a new bill pertaining to presidency for life he plans to scale up the nation's defense system that Tarzan lost his underwear weasels ate his oatmeal Saddam Hussein asked him out on a date in response to the 9-11 commission's calls for intelligence reforms rumours of Iran building atomic weapons being treated badly as a child his doctor's request to stay away from pretzels a late night chat with the tooth fairy .

Bush said at a news conference at his Texas ranch to an aide at a corporate dinner to a group of octagenarians privately to his mother that the new security director he will appoint his former White House aide his poodle his new babysitter the man who cleans his cage will serve as the president's principal intelligence adviser and "oversee and coordinate foreign and domestic activities of the intelligence community." "give me a good backrub and foot massage." "make the bed once a day." "oversee all future bombings." "explain everything when I leave office."

Bush's  announcement latest speech new initiative display of the opposable thumb little soiree with a bag of pretzels and a WWF video showed  his determination to keep what polls show is a substantial advantage over rival John Kerry that he has finally listened to his advisers, or the little voices in head that he has finally decided to take action that he has listened to his mother's advice that he cannot hide his excitment that the tooth fairy gives free advice on the issue of fighting terrorism on "a lot of serious issues and things" on how many pretzels is bad for you on ESPN on Thursdays .

Kerry said Bush should have acted more quickly. take a long hard look at his 4 years in power. blow it out his ass. try mixing whiskey and paracetamol, then blow it out his ass.

Original article from Japan Today, August 3rd 2004